


No Big Deal

by amclove



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: F/M, M/M, Oneshot, Swearing a lot, They're Like 12, and im convinced that this is canon so, charlie kelly - Freeform, charmac - Freeform, iasip - Freeform, if you really squint, it's always sunny in philadelphia - Freeform, mac mcdonald - Freeform, ronald mcdonald - Freeform, tell me I'm wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 04:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16360604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amclove/pseuds/amclove
Summary: Mac has a date and is nervous as shit. His best friend saves the day, like always.





	No Big Deal

     Mac was anxious as all hell. A flare-up of anxiety meant, as it always did, that right now he was stood chucking stones across his lawn in the hopes that he would in turn rid himself of his worries. It was all very symbolic, metaphorical, yadda yadda, and sometimes it worked. For bigger things, though, the activity was less than helpful and it seemed to Mac by this point that his current situation was one of those bigger things that launching rocks would do nothing to resolve. (He’d tried to throw bigger rocks, but that had accomplished nothing but sore arms.)

     Charlie appeared then, hopping right over the fence with a casual, “Mac-a-doodle, what’s up?” and no worries to be seen on his grinning face. As seemed to be Charlie’s trademark, his hair needed to be cut and his Led Zeppelin T-shirt was two sizes too large for his scrawny frame. Classic, dependable Charlie Kelly.

     “Throwin’ rocks,” Mac answered, dull.

     Charlie planted himself on the patch of dirt nearest to Mac and looked up at him, eyes squinted against the sun. “I can see that, buddy,” he said. He rubbed at Poppins’ silky ears, his smile soft at the pup, and then asked, “Somethin’ bothering you?”

     “He’s a dog, Charlie.”

     “I meant with _you_.”

     “Oh, gee,” Mac said, hurling a stone more aggressively than was needed just then, “how could you tell?”

     “Don’t be mean.” Mac didn’t reply, only continued in his action, which drew a sigh from his friend. “Can’t you just tell me what’s wrong so we can move on? I can bet it isn’t as bad as you think.”

     “Oh, yeah?” Mac asked, turning abruptly to face Charlie. “I have a date with Cynthia Weis tomorrow night and I have no fucking clue how to kiss a girl. How fixable is that, Charlie?”

     “Uh…”

     “That’s what I thought. Dickweed.” Mac shook his head and dropped to the ground near to Charlie. “I’m so fucked, bro, you don’t even understand. Cynthia’s been out with, like, ten other guys and they all totally know what they’re doing. I can’t fake that. I can’t just—”

     “Jesus, man, you gotta chill the fuck out,” Charlie interjected. “Like, for real. Yo, is your mom home?”

     “She’s at the lady doctor or something; I dunno, don’t care.”

     “Well, I’m hungry and if your mom’s gone, she can’t stop me from swiping a beer. I swear, the only thing she loves in this world is her beer.” Charlie paused as they walked inside. “And you, obviously.”

     “You didn’t have to clarify that.”

     “Didn’t I?” Charlie asked. He shook his head to signal that they were moving on. “Look, man. Girls aren’t complicated, you know? Just, play hard to get with her.”

     “Charlie, dude, I have a date with her,” Mac said, slowly. “I don’t need to play hard to _get_ ; I already _got_ her.”

     “Mac, man, it doesn’t matter. If you act like you give a shit, she’s out. Right? You gotta, like—Alright, imagine she tries to kiss you or whatever it is girls do. Yeah? Okay, so she tries to kiss you, whatever, and you’re freakin’ out, don’t know what to do. _Turn away_ , dude!”

     “Huh?”

     “Just, like, move your face out of the way! Like you saw a cool bird or something and had to see it right then. Like you aren’t that into what’s happening at the moment. Then, when you’re ready, you kiss her on your own terms and by that point she’s so desperate for you that she won’t even notice if you’re good or bad.” Charlie took a giant swig of his beer while Mac stared at him, open-mouthed. “Yeah?”

     “What? Dude, no.”

     “Yes!”

     “I don’t even know what… Charlie, I just need to be able to kiss her, dude. Like, and know what I’m doing. It’s that simple.”

     “I thought the problem was that it wasn’t simple. So here I am, your buddy Charlie, trying to help you and make it simple, and you shut me down. Okay. Nice talking to you.” Charlie made a move to jump off the stool across from Mac’s, and Mac didn’t even have time to give an eyeroll of feigned annoyance because he honestly didn’t have any of said time to spare.

     “Charlie, come on, man!” he pleaded. “Help me.”

     Charlie breathed out, theatrical as ever, and instead of sitting back down began to pace in front of Mac. “You’re worried about the kiss,” he said.

     “Yeah.”

     “So, kiss someone you don’t give a shit about.”

     “What?”

     “You’re nervous cuz it’s Cynthia, who you want to get it on with. Practice the kiss with someone else. The first is always the worst anyway.” Charlie made a face, shrugging. “So I’ve heard, at least. But then it’ll be over with.”

     “You know what, now you’re thinkin’, Charlie,” Mac said, grinning. “Who’m I gonna kiss, though?”

     “Glenn is off the table cuz he’s just an asshole—”

     Mac leaned backward against the counter, hands up. “Whoa, since when were guys involved in the options?”

     “Since you suck,” Charlie rejoined with a sneer. “Jesus; you’d think a guy in your position wouldn’t be so picky.”

     “Okay, God. Whatever. Pete is ugly.”

     “And Tim’s nice, but he doesn’t know you all that well and he’d probably cut off your balls sooner than he’d let you at him.”

     “Adriano would be the dream, but he hates our guts, so that’s a no-go.”

     “Yeah, I mean, I eat worms for the guy…”

     “Yeah…”

     “So, basically, what I’m hearing is: we’ve got no one,” Charlie deduced. Mac sighed and resigned himself to a horrible date with Cynthia. Maybe he could just say that he got the flu. Yeah, he could call her up right now, in fact, and— “Hey, no way am I letting you ditch this date!” Charlie told Mac, and left no room for disagreement. Had Mac said all that out loud? “Come on, dude, we can totally figure this out. All you need is someone to kiss!” Charlie stopped, and his face slowly began to light up.

     “Jesus, what now?” Mac didn’t want to know the answer.

     “ _Me_. Mac, just kiss _me_ , you idiot.”

     Aaand he’d been right.

     “Oh, fucking gross, Charlie. Gross,” Mac argued. “ _Gross_.”

     “I showered just this morning, I’ll have you know!” Charlie defended himself. “And I only wore this shirt yesterday!”

     “And today!”

     “Oh, whatever,” he dismissed easily. “Look, buddy, I’m the best shot you’ve got.”

     “I really am fucked.”

     “Look, I may not be an expert in this shit, but all that means is we’re equally matched. Same ‘weight class,’ you know. Just so you got an idea of what you’re up against with Cynthia, who knows a hell of a lot more in this area than you do.”

     “Charlie, I don’t know…” Mac said, unsure.

     “Don’t be a wuss, I won’t contaminate your hygiene… your hygienes…”

     “ _Hygienic_?”

     “Yeah, your hygienic sensibilities.”

     “That still makes, like, zero sense, bro. And you know ‘contaminate’ but not ‘hygienic’?”

     “Get fucked,” Charlie replied. “Let’s go. Come at me.”

     Mac rolled his eyes to the ceiling, exhausted. “Charlie, this isn’t a fight; I can’t just ‘go at you.’”

     “Well, first of all, you could, and I would win,” Charlie said, while Mac wondered how exactly he’d gotten himself into this ridiculous situation, “and second, if you don’t just do it, I will and it’ll be a sneak attack. A sneak-kiss.”

     “Not a thing.”

     “We’ll see.”

     “Okay, God, fine. Okay. Alright.” Mac looked at Charlie and tried to breathe. Just Charlie, with his stupidly un-brushed hair and hole-riddled jeans—Mac’s best friend. “This is honestly not a bad idea, Charlie.”

     “Gee, thanks.”

     “Shut up, dude. Jesus.”

     “Are you gonna or what?”

     Mac caught hold of Charlie’s shirt and tugged him closer. “Yup.” His hands settled themselves as comfortably as possible on Charlie’s tiny waist, and despite the obvious fact that he’d seen Charlie shirtless plenty of times before, he was somehow surprised at how baggy this shirt really was. Maybe he could lend the kid a few things, if only so that he could wear a shirt that fit his body the right way. “Need to eat a little more, dude.”

     “Huh? I eat plenty.”

     “Yeah, sure, you’re all skin and bones over here.” Charlie looked ready to protest the observation, so Mac took the chance to shut him up while he had it. He unceremoniously plopped his mouth onto Charlie’s, trying to remember how people said to tilt noses or whatever. He forgot, of course, and his bumped Charlie’s, and it was fucking weird and unlike anything Mac had ever experienced before. Not all bad, though. It was brief, and he hadn’t even closed his eyes because he was so distracted from watching Charlie’s reaction to his smushing their faces together. Charlie’s cheeks were red, and his eyebrows were lifted like he was surprised. It looked hilarious, honestly, and Mac even laughed a little bit before detaching himself from his friend.

     Charlie’s eyes opened immediately. “Why’d you laugh?” he demanded.

     “Cuz your face was fucked, bro. You looked scared shitless!”

     “To be fair, you sprung on me and I—”

     “You told me to!”

     “—didn’t even have time to work up my mojo, dude—” Charlie complained.

     “You have none.”

     “Well, what’d you think anyway?” Charlie asked, letting it go. “Think you can kiss Cynthia tomorrow no problem?”

     “I guess. It’s not really a big deal. You were right.”

     “Uh, _duh_. Of course I was.” Charlie gestured for the front door and Mac followed. “I’m, like, always right, man. It’s a wonder why you never listen to me.”

     Mac slung an arm over Charlie’s shoulders, same as he’d done since they were kids, and laughed a little. “Cuz you don’t even know the word ‘hygienic,’ bro,” he reasoned.

     “Pretty sure that’s a made-up word, so.”

     “Pretty sure it’s not.”

     “Technically every word is a made-up word, so.”

     “Charlie, I swear to God, I’m gonna sneak-kiss you, but the kiss is gonna be a kick to your ball-sack.”

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or anything affiliated to it. Thank you! :))


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